A Running Diary: Can't Buy Me Love

0:00- I have only seen this movie one time. One time. That's all. I've never owned it on DVD, and never seen it on TV. If I love this movie as much as I remember loving it, it's going to be a good diary. This was the movie that unleashed me into loving romantic comedies. Never have been ashamed to say it. But, I like good rom-coms. Not all of them. So my manhood is safe still, right?

0:01- Patrick Dempsey's character, named Ronald, is mowing a lawn on his awesome lawnmower. You know, the one that you can drive. Like in Waterboy. The song "Can't Buy Me Love" plays over it, for obvious reasons.

0:02- Cindy and her two friends pull into the driveway. They're introduced typically as popular girls always are. Convertable, shopping bags, blonde, sunglasses, big house. You know the drill. Ronald watches her walk in, setting the movie up. Ronald has a crush on Cindy, duh.

0:04- Cindy and her friends are hanging out in her room, watching her ex-boyfriend Bobby who is a college football player for Iowa. He obviously doesn't miss Cindy.

0:05- Ronald is creepily watching cheerleading tryouts through a chain-link fence. His friend Kenneth rides up on his bike, and Ronald shows his first interest in the popular clique.

0:09- Cindy answers the door, and this creepy dude is going out with her Mom. Seriously, this dude is so creepy. Cindy is so hot. This movie was made in the late-80s and she's bangin'. She's like a hotter version of Rachel McAdams with bigger boobs. Quick Imdb check. She hasn't been in anything since 1994. TV or Movies. That's a shame. She's from Greeley, Colorado. Shout out to my home state Colorado. You produced one of the hottest girls of the 80s.

0:10- Back to the film, she goes against her Mom's word and wears her white suede jacket to a party.

0:11- What the hell? Seth Green is in this movie? He has a different voice though. Why did his voice sound so much different back then? Man he was one ugly kid.

0:14- Cindy's suede jacket inevitably gets ruined. Wine spills all over it. Not shocked there. Then again, I've seen the movie before. And of course the guy who ruined it is a complete dick about ruining it. Pretty standard.

0:16- Ronald is at the mall, using all the money he saved for a telescope. Wait a minute, are they in Tucson?? How did I never know they filmed there? I wonder where they filmed this. So the movie was filmed in Tucson where I go to school, and the hottest girl of the 80s was from Colorado where I grew up. I love this movie!

0:17- While looking through the telescope in the mall who does he see? Cindy! With the ruined suede jacket, and not enough money to buy a new one. Ronald knocks on the door and holds all his cash out like a total boss. He negotiates with Cindy that he would buy her a new jacket, if she pretends to go out with him so he can be a cool kid. And here we go.

0:18- Cindy rips Ronald's sleeves off. Puts mousse in his hair. Takes his glasses off. Changes him up. He's gonna walk through the cool hallway! You go, Ronald.

Egg-Eater (middle) and Crop Top

0:20- One of the supposed-to-be cool guys they walk past is wearing a crop top. What the fuck was that. I hope that wasn't a trend in the 80s. They ask Ronald if he "used to mow our lawns". I'll just leave it at that...

0:21- Here we go. Ronald is turning into a douche to his best friend Kenneth!

0:21- Cindy and the football players happen to all be in the same Home-Ec class. A football player holds out an egg yolk, and eats it. Everyone is pretty noticeably impressed. What just happened there?

0:22- Cindy gets interrogated by her friends. She returns with: "Guys, see my forehead, do you see a sign that says 'Information' on it?" Whoa, Cindy. Attitude.

0:23- Ronald sits with all the cool kids at lunch. He starts to fit in a little better.

0:25- Ronald forgot to eat lunch while at lunch, which is the only thing you're supposed to do at lunch. He claims he got too nervous to eat around those guys. Wait, what? Whatever, I can move past that. Anyway, who walks in but all the cool football guys! Ronald offers up the pizza, which of course to them means, take all the pizza and leave none for Ronald and Cindy. Classy. That pizza looks so good. If that's a real place in Tucson, I want to be going there immediately when I get back.

0:26- Young Seth Green doesn't buy that Ronald is dating Cindy. He investigates.

0:27- Cindy's mad that Ronald didn't pick her up in a car. He claims he "forgot", which he has gotten pretty good at doing lately. He puts it in a much more delicate romantic way than "I forgot" but still. Cindy and Ronald start to bond. Uh oh, they actually are going to like each other. You can tell.

0:29- While at the party, Egg-Eater offers Ronald a "brew", which Ronald thinks means Root Beer for some reason. Does anyone drink Root Beer anymore? I feel like it's starting to die out. That makes me sad. Anyway, Ronald grabs a Budweiser and he feels cool still.

0:30- Ronald gets back to school and talks to Kenneth, who of course is mad that Ronald didn't hang out with his old gang, nor did he tell them what he was doing. Ronald's starting to become a douche!

0:31- Ronald washes Cindy's car. They bond over it. Some good quotes here "You can do whatever you want. Whatever you put your heart and your mind to". Cindy walks inside her house, with Ronald staring at her. As soon as she gets inside her house, he starts spraying the hose on the car. I really hope they meant that as the sexual reference it turned out to be.

0:32- Cindy returns with some poems. Sappy love scenes are starting to happen. She mouths the words while Ronald reads. She claims no one knows she writes. Now Ronald does. Uh oh, they're growing closer. The sappiness ends and Cindy starts spraying Ronald with a hose. Ronald picks up a sponge and Peyton Manning's that shit at Cindy. Seriously, he LAUNCHED that. That sounded like it hurt, not the way to a lady's heart Ronald.

0:33- Montage of Ronald becoming cool and Cindy helping him buy new clothes and shit. Kenneth sees them and gets pissed. I think it's important to note that Kenneth is pissed at Ronald because he's a dick now, not because he's dating Cindy. Which, if it is because he's dating Cindy, he's not a good friend. Cindy's hot and you always root for you best friend. That's in the bro-code somewhere.

0:35- It's the last date of Ronald and Cindy already, and Ronald is taking her to a. Wait for it...a plane junkyard? I don't know. That's a ballsy move. That's like when the girl gets the shitty date in Bachelorette. I think he's trying to spit some game by spouting facts about the planes.

0:37- Now this is more what I'm talking about Ronald. Starry night and the Moon. Important line metaphorically: "You didn't ruin it, you just changed it, I guess."

0:38- DAMMIT RONALD! She wanted to kiss you. That was the signal!! You ruined it. Cindy obviously doesn't want to break up.

0:41- Oh, Ronald. Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie. You fucked up big time my friend.

0:43- Ronnie walks in to school acting like a total boss. One of Cindy's friends who is noticeably not wearing nearly enough clothing for school asks him out. Cindy's even more pissed.

0:46- Ronnie goes out with the slutty chick and her best friend comes on to him. Young Seth Green spies on the whole thing, and gets his second Egg-Eater fart to the face. Not a good outing so far for Young Seth Green. 

0:47- Uh oh. Locker Room talk. Cindy's in nothing but a towel. Hot. But she overhears her best friends talking about Ronnie. Cindy doesn't like that. Sidebar-Is it weird that I'm attracted to a girl from a movie in the 80s who's probably over 40 now? Oh well.


0:47- Young Seth Green commentates the WWE on TV. It's still fake in 1987, too in case you were wondering. Ronnie barges in to watch American Bandstand. I don't really know what that is at all. Outdated for sure. Then it's revealed he's not watching American Bandstand. Oh boy, this is gonna get good.

0:51- School dance time! Awesome live band. Looks like Lionel Richie. I cosign this dance so far. Ronnie breaks out the big dance moves. Mostly just flailing of the arms. Everyone thinks it's weird at first. And then everyone starts to do it too. Forced conformity motif. In real life, this plays out like "Ronnie stop it, just take it easy" and then that's the end of that. Instead, Ronnie turns into the coolest kid in the school.

0:55- Ronnie gets into it with Cindy. Then his slutty date starts taking off her clothes and talking about her titties. I don't think people actually talk this way. Especially in high school. It wouldn't shock me though, they are in Tucson. Lesson as always: Tucson is fucking weird.

0:56- Ronnie is back at home under his sheets with a flashlight on looking at a calendar and says one of the corniest lines in the history of cinema: "17 years, 3 months, and 5 days...that's a long time to wait for some tit! HEHEHE". I'm not exaggerating his chuckle. It literally sounded like if you were to read "HEHEHE" out loud.

0:57- Kenneth starts to get pissed in class at Ronnie, who's asleep. Moon motif again. Then, Ronnie and his dumb friends, Crop-Top and Egg-Eater go to lay down a shit-bomb at Kenneth's house. Yes, I could have phrased that better. Yes, it's staying like that.

0:59- Cindy and her friends finally get in a fight with each other about Ronnie. Cindy has a lot of class. Attagirl Cindy.

1:01- Ronnie, Crop-Top, and Egg-Eater go for the shitbomb. Little do they know, Kenneth and his family are prepared. Kenneth catches Ronnie in a net trap, then lets him go realizing it's Ronnie. God damn was that awesome. Kenneth deserves friend of the year for that.

1:03- Cindy's new boyfriend is a total asshole. So naturally she dumps a chocolate shake on his head. Cindy, you're my girl. Despite your corny comebacks and the fact that you're 40 years old now.

1:05- Cindy dishes out a "she's given more rides than a Greyhound". Cindy Sass Level: 7. Ronnie is a total dick to her again, she wrote him a poem but he doesn't care.

1:07- New Year's Eve party. Cindy's hammered already and drinking vodka straight (attagirl), which means the sass is going to be extra heavy this evening. But wait, she's wearing her Mom's dress again. Please don't go the direction I think this is headed. I don't remember this part.

1:08- Cindy's ex-boyfriend-kind-of Bobby is back. Meanwhile, Ronnie is saying things like "All summer I just want to hold you" and "I respect you" and "I AM hot!" to random chicks. Classy Ronnie. Cindy is drunk off her ass and you are spitting terrible game at sluts that already want to bang you.

1:11- Cindy gets in a fight with Bobby, who calls her a prostitute. Classy guy. Then, Cindy who is incredibly inslopsicated, spills the details about how Ronnie paid her 1000 dollars to make him cool. Yep, her sass is maxed out like I predicted. Then, everyone turns on Ronnie and he gets kicked out of the party by Egg-Eater.

1:16- Ronnie is a loser again. Except now none of his friends want to hang out with him. Poor Ronnie. Cindy starts calling out her slutty friends. Stand your ground Cindy! I'm still on team Cindy. Yes, even after she broke the promise she made Ronnie and being super drunk.

1:18- Ronnie tries apologizing to Kenneth, who doesn't budge. He grabs him and yells "you shit on my house!". Which, says everything that needs to be said.

1:20- Ronnie stalks Cindy and then follows her into the women's bathroom to apologize. Romantic. Dammit Ronnie, why can't you do just one romantic thing without screwing up?

1:23- Ronnie follows up that marvelous endeavor by getting Cindy's attention by mowing her lawn at 6 in the morning. I'm sure she's thrilled about that. He recovers quickly by making a very heartfelt speech to Cindy, who just got out of bed and looks fantastic. Not very realistic there. Either that or she is just that beautiful.

1:25- Kenneth gets into it with Crop-Top. But Ronnie is there to save the day! He slams a baseball bat on the table. He says some things about how they used to be friends. Then every one starts clapping. Very cliche but I liked it. Cindy was happy so I'm happy. God I'm getting creepy.

1:29- Ronnie is back mowing Cindy's lawn, and Cindy runs off to be with her friends in their convertable.

1:30- Wait! Cindy's back! She calls his name and runs after him! She hops on his lawnmower (sexual reference intended there) and they drive off and kiss in the sunset! Oh, and "Can't Buy Me Love" gets played over the end scene. By default of course.

Okay, besides the fact that I became so obviously enamored with Cindy, I didn't like this movie as much as I remember liking it. It's still good, I just remember it being a little better. I love this movie still though. I hope they redo this movie sometime soon. And no, Love Don't Cost a Thing doesn't count at all. I want a remade version of this. I don't say that often.

You can follow Will Harmon at @willharmon8 on Twitter.